Reflections

I have come to some ... realizations over the past few days. Some good, some bad, some with a little of each.

1. I love my body with clothes on - hate it without.

I have a bmi of 18.1 - barely underweight. I'm 6 feet tall, long curly hair... I have been asked to do some modeling before. However, just over 10 months ago, I weighed 225 lbs. I was fat - I wore a size 16/18 at the age of 18. I had a bmi of 30.5, which is clinically obese. There isn't any denying it - that wasn't ED talking (he wasn't around then). Its the truth. At the beginning of last summer, I made the decision to get in shape, to get healthy, to become hot. I had never had a boyfriend - no one was interested in the fat girl, no matter how funny/nice/smart she is. I started working out and watching what I ate (which eventually turned into the rampant control freak named Ed). Since then, I have lost 90 lbs... and losing that much weight that quickly has left .. some things around my middle that no matter how much I work out, no matter how much I restrict, will not go away. I would love my body if my stomach didn't look the way it does now. When I see myself in mirrors, I feel so proud of how much better I look than just over a year ago - but then I remember, oh wait - my clothes are hiding things that aren't this beautiful. THIS is the problem that is driving ED.

2. Music + solo performance + me = ONE BIG PILE OF BAGGAGE

Ever since I was a little girl, I have had the ability to speak in front of people, even make a fool of myself, without giving it a second thought. Add solo performance into the mix however, and I completely fall apart. Music is such an intimate, personal thing for me - part of my soul that only God and I should have access to, if you will - that I have an incredibly hard time with it. I love performing in groups - duos, choirs, whatever - but solos freak me out. Part of it comes from the fact that I was so uncomfortable with my body (especially in the past), that standing up there bearing my soul to be judged while feeling uncomfortable was just so hard. I felt exposed. My voice juries this weekend were better though - I am more comfortable now (when clothed). I was scared going into it because of a judge I had last semester who said some very hurtful things. When I found out who my judges this time around were (my prof for Beethoven/Western 19th - call him M and my advisor, both of whom I love very much), I instantly relaxed. I did better than I ever had, even though inside I still felt incredibly exposed. It helped knowing both of them were there for me, but it was still difficult to let myself go, to let the music be free. Perhaps the more I feel comfortable with myself, the easier this will become.

3. On a happy note - I love nature

I've always taken my environment for granted. I grew up in a very dry, arid environment, and I even in the summers/spring, there weren't many flowers out. It was still brown, dead desert. NM has been in a drought, which made it even less common for me to see real beauty in the earth beside me. Now that I'm in the wonderful Twin Cities, I am constantly in awe of the world - even just here on campus. Check it out:

I walk out of my dorm, and I am practically overwhelmed by ... loviliness of the world. And the cuteness - baby bunnies! On my walk/run around the track today, I saw 5 little bunnies. They were adorable. The bird are out and singing, all sorts of flowers are in bloom, and when the sun is shining, I can't help but feel connected to the world. Even if I'm by myself, which brings me to another point...

4. After being an extrovert for 19 years, I'm suddenly much more introverted.

When I was young(er), I was an extreme extrovert living in a home with two very introverted people. Now that I'm 'on my own' (living away from home, albeit with a roommate in a dorm), I suddenly appreciate my own, alone time much more. I love going on long walks by myself (and the preferred composer of the day/week/class), or sitting in my room with a cup of tea either reading or watching a movie alone, or if I am spending time with people, I much prefer long talks, long walks, or getting coffee - low key sh*t. This all started at the beginning of last summer, at the time I decided to 'get healthy' - coincidentally coinciding with an internship in Sweden. I stayed with an aunt, who, despite being a wonderful/generous person, is very difficult to live with as a young and extroverted (see? I used to be) person. I was 18, and I wanted to be able to experience Sweden as a young person, even though I was working with a university program. However, she wouldn't let me out at night, she wouldn't let me live - so I ended spending a good part of a month living isolated from any one my age. In addition, I didn't talk much the entire time I was there, because I am a rather sarcastic person and my aunt is way to literal, so everytime I would say something even a little of kilter, I would get a huge lecture, even if I was joking. When I came back to the states, I began working with the USDA, and did a lot of manual labor on a desert ranch. I would come home exhausted (keep in mind I was still very overweight at this point, so manual labor was kicking my butt - but it helped me tone up quite a bit!), and the only thing I would want to do is hang out with the only friend available - my best guy friend - or sit in an air conditioned house and do nothing. At work, I spent a lot of time out in the desert by myself. This and the month in Sweden gave me a lot of time to be by myself. I have struggled with depression for a while, and looking back on it, although I rather liked having time to think, I also thinked I became much more depressed. I think I probably am still depressed now - social situations (parties, etc.) that I used to love going to make me anxious - not only because I'm afraid of what people think I look like (ED talking right there) and how people will like me (I think that is both ED and depression playing tag team). I know I have distanced myself from many of my best friends - I feel terrible, but I can't just tell them "oh, hey. I have an eating disorder. Forgive me for cutting you out of my life". I think that is selfish - I shouldn't have the power to say that, just because I have issues. Everyone has issues. Mine just got out of control, and I can expect them to forgive me for it. I miss my life. I want to be the extrovert I used to be. I want my friends back. I want to get out of the whole I've dug myself - but at the moment, I feel so far down that climbing out seems to difficult.

In conclusion : over the past year or so, I've become a whole new person. Some parts I do like (loving nature - hence, the geology major!), and others sadden me immensely (self dislike, depression, how Ed has taken over so many aspects of my life). I want to recover. I have to recover. Ed is not who I am - but lately, I have changed so much, I'm not sure what is Ed and what is me sometimes.

Goal this summer - get this stuff straightened out. Learn who I am. Kick Ed out.

We'll see how that goes.