Phew.

Happy Saturday everyone!

Its finally stopped raining here in the Midwest, but unfortunately its still a little cool to be outside (and windy). So I'm in my room, which never proves to be productive. I'm supposed to be beginning a paper about Sibelius' Second Symphony, but I have no idea where to start. There are too many wonderful things about it, that I can't narrow my topic down. Also - Geology. Finals are coming up, and I need to make sure I have everything down!

I am still so excited about Ireland. I can't wait to wander around a beautiful town, a beautiful country, free... I look forward to figuring out more of what my semester (or, as they spell it, semestre) is going to be like - the housing and what not.


This morning started out with a nice workout - 2 1/4 miles around the track and two rounds of the stadium stairs. When I came back to my room, I had a small bowl of 1/2 a pear, 1/4 a banana, 1 1/2 tbsp oats, 1 1/2 tbsp almond milk, and some cinnamon, warmed until hot and bubbly. I started eating it before I could snap the picture, it was so good!

I made two very difficult calls today - one to my mom, and one to my gifted counselor from high school/close friends (basically family). I was sad my dad wasn't able to talk (he had to go to talmud services), but I'm glad I talked to my mom. We actually talked for almost an hour (very rare for us), but ED didn't come up until the end - we mostly discussed the fall and my semester in IRELAND (!). When I brought it up, I made her promise that she wouldn't say anything afterwards, and she could respond in an email. I told her what I had been hiding, and how sorry I was for denying it for so long. I apologized for all the hurtful things I may have said during my denial, and I told her how much I loved her. It was hard, but it was good to get it off my chest. Our relationship (and the one with my dad) has been rather strained over the past few months, largely due to my denial, their worry, and how the two things have interacted. When I told my counselor, I actually started to cry. I haven't cried in months. She was so supportive (I knew she would be). She is glad I am somewhere I have access to a good program - going through this in my hometown would be very difficult. I miss her, but her love crosses the miles.

I've spent (most of) the rest of the day trying to figure out the topic of my paper, trying to study, but its been difficult. I feel so ... exposed. I don't know how else to describe it. I have told a total of 4 people (5, if you count my father, who I told my mom to repeat what I told her to him when he got home) - what is going on with ED, all in a rather short period of time. Coming to terms with it is going to be hard, but its something I need to do.

Something I have learned in the past week is how much people really do care about me. I am uncomfortable with many outward displays of affection/fondness/love/whatever, but knowing that so many people support me strengthens my resolve. I'm still getting used to the idea of having an ED, but I am determined to get better. I will recover. Nothing can stand in my way ... except for me.

A few quotes that I think are very relevant to the issue of fear popped into my head:

"Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live." - Dorothy Thompson

"Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is a freedom" - Marilyn Ferguson

I am terrified of confronting my ED. I don't want to start the program, because I'm scared to see how much I'm messed up. I know I have some issues I need to overcome: my ED, my perfectionism that is invading every aspect of my life, my body image issues - all of which I think have root in the fact I was raped when I was 12. My life changed dramatically then, and every one is rearing its ugly head in the form of ED. I need to confront these fears, these problems - only then can I start to LIVE.

On a lighter note (or three!):
I see a review or two coming up! I got these at Target (I took a quick trip because my headphones broke, and these were on sale for 75 cents). I've read quite a bit from other bloggers about them, and I'm looking forward to trying them.

I can't wait for summer - I'll actually be able to cook, which means I'll be posting more than pictures of oatmeal. Isn't that exciting? :) Spring is here, but only when summer vacation starts will that happen. Campus is already celebrating:

Dinner eats were a cup of soup of spinach, mushrooms, tofu, and carrots, an open face veggie sammich with tomato, onion, cucumber, mushrooms, spinach, lettuce, hummus, and mustard, and 1/2 c Kix with 3 tbsp Silk Chocolate soymilk. And now, I'm enjoying this:

Don't they look amazing?

Thank you to everyone for your continued support, and for being an inspiration to me. Even just reading your blogs has helped me realize that I'm not alone in this fight.

Have a wonderful evening!

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