Wednesday.
I woke up this morning at 5:15 - and that was the end of it. There was no going back to sleep. So I decided to go on a walk, but because the sun hadn't come up yet, I went and walked around the track in the stadium. I walked/ran (walked the curves, ran the straights) two miles, and then did some lunges, and ran the stairs once. I was back in my room at 6:45, took a shower, and then headed to the meal hall for breakfast. This morning, I went with my 'normal' meal hall breakfast - oats, cheerieos, soy milk, and strawberries - but this time I put a little PB on it. It was hard to let myself eat the entire bowl, but I did NOT let ed tell me what I could and couldn't eat. I felt guilty about having PB two times in such a short time period, but I did it! Woo!
I have piano lessons on Wednesday mornings before class - today we prepared for my recital on Friday - I'm playing a piece by Debussy. Then it was off to classes. They went much better than they did on Monday - on Monday I was dragging, and I almost fell asleep. Today I was alert, interested, and they seemed to fly by! It was great. I love my classes. I then came back to my room in the dorm, and I've blogging ever since.
During geology, I had about 2/3 a grapefruit. Mmm. Love them. I only just 'discovered' them last month. I brought my lunch: 3 tbsp pumpkin, 1/4 c PB Puffins, 2 tbsp almond milk, 1 tbsp Cinnamon Swirl PB, some cinnamon, and some more strawberries. I didn't finish - I'll eat it tonight as a snack!
I'm still a little ratteled by yesterday - from telling my voice teacher and the PB - but its probably a good thing. This afternoon, I went to an award ceremony for my favorite professor (my Western 19th Cent. Music and Beethoven classes), and it was wonderful. I was one of the students behind his nomination, so it feels good. Seeing his face light up was a wonderful thing - and his youngest daughter was there. She's a litle angel, with a head covered in curls and always smiling.
I went to dinner with my friends: a spinach, carrot, bell pepper and mushroom salad, with 1/2 c steamed brocolli and mushrooms. I was still hungry, but there wasn't much vegan food tonight (which is rare! My meal hall usually has a ton of vegan options), so I warmed up some 2/3 c cheerios, 1/4 c soymilk, 8 raisins, and a pinch of coconut. It was pretty tasty.
I have rehersal with my accompanist. I love working with him, so I'm looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to all the spanish homework I have though - its an online, tedious workbook.
ED is still controlling a lot of my thoughts. When I took my walk this morning, I thought about food, how many calories I was burning, and my body. I have been losing weight for a long time, and I just got a pair of jeans in the smallest size I've EVER had (4). All my other pants are too big. Someone joked with me yesterday that I was a size 0 .... But I still feel like I'm a size 18 (my heaviest). I look in the mirror and I don't see a thin person. I don't feel thin. I still think all my friends are much more beautiful than I am. Maybe its because I am so tall, I just feel huge around other people.
How do you deal with body image?
Contests!
Iowa Girl Eats is having a great contest for her blogiversary. Go visit her blog!
Have a wonderful evening!
<3 Emma
3 comments:
Hey Emma!
Thanks so much for the sweet comment on my blog, I just read your post about telling your voice teacher about your ED and I wanted to tell you I'm so proud of you! That is a huge step, but I'm so happy you can talk to someone you trust and respect and that she is being supportive. I'm looking forward to learning more about you and your story, and I think it's awesome that you play the piano!
Body image is such a hard thing to deal with. I hope you get into the Emily Project, whatever that is, or otherwise get some kind of help because it is SO HARD and nearly impossible to recover from an ED on our own.
Go vegans! ;)
Good job eating the PB. It really is delicious and healthy fats are so good for our bodies! There are so many amazing things that our bodies use fat to do for us. :) I ALWAYS play the violin better after a fairly high fat meal. I don't know why, it's just something I've discovered. Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the PB!
Keep fighting ED. He's lying to you about the whole pant size thing. And besides you are WORTH SO MUCH MORE than what size pants you wear. A clothing size has NOTHING to do with your character, your spirit, your relationships with other people, and your ability to contribute meaningfully to the world. ED just wants you to believe that, but he's WRONG. You're way better than that!
Thanks for the links to the giveaways. :)
hey girl -- thanks for stopping by my blog and saying hello! i definitely did not mean to knock the twin cities whatsoever, i've only heard great things about the area, it's just not for me! sorry if i offended you at all!
glad you enjoyed the pb, i know it's tough, i was once scared of it too and now i have a full serving every single day! you can do it, i swear!
have a great night =)
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